How the frell should I know!
by Farscape Maniac
Summary: Farscape maniac + no FS + too much ideas + too much coffee = INSANITY!!


The word here is INSANE. So insane that you will have no idea that insane can get so insane. This was what the med tech ordered. Too much depression, too much angst, too much of EVERYTHING can drive into over load and in the end you end up with a fic that has no meaning in life and should not even be named a fic. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!! Oh and don't worry about looking for a sequel coz it is almost SO unlikely that … that … oh! I don't know! If your lucky and I start to drive into overload again then just maybe there will be that chance. (Which maybe highly likely).  
  
  
  
Title: How the frell should I know??!!  
  
Disclaimer: Huh?? What disclaimer? Okay I just put one up incase. To anyone who I've borrowed characters from and so on.  
  
Rating: There is one?  
  
Summary: Coffee, Farscape, coffee, Farscape, coffee, Farscape and...did I mention coffee?? Oh and last but not least: INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
A girl sits in a fluffy cushioned chair, she sips her black coffee (A/N:Oh come on! The milks is too far away!). There is a deafening silence in the room. Not a sound can be heard. The girl now known as FarscapeManiac waits she knows there is hell to be let loose.  
  
FSM: Mwahahahaha (A/N: Had to for no real reason).  
  
From the ceiling in the very white room a portal opens out of no where and in drop (A/N: Can ya guess??) Aeryn, John, Dargo, Chiana, Crais and the fiery Jool. Rygel glides smoothly in.  
  
John: Ah crap!  
  
Aeryn: What the frell?  
  
J: Aeryn?  
  
A: WHAT?  
  
J: Uh not that I don't like *this*. (Gesturing to her landing on top of him) but your kinda heavy.  
  
Aeryn blushes and moves off him. (A/N: The shippy side of me had to!). Dargo, Crais, Aeryn and John notice a small figure sitting quite contently in front of them, they draw their weapons.  
  
J: Geez...not another writer! Can't you give us a break!  
  
FSM: Nop.  
  
Chiana: Hey!! (bounces up and down)  
  
FSM: Hey ya Chi!! Okay guys make yourselves comfortable...you're in for a long ride.  
  
John and Aeryn roll their eyes while Dargo growls. Crais is slightly confused.  
  
FSM: oh yeah Crais this is a first time thing for ya right?? It's okay relax, nothing to be afraid of.  
  
J: (whispers to Crais) Don't let your guard down.  
  
FSM: I heard that John (looks at him with a angry stare)  
  
J: DAMN!  
  
Out of no where couches appear.  
  
FSM: Have a seat guys.  
  
They sit down slowly afraid a monster will pop out of no where. And what do ya know there is one.  
  
J:Holy moley!!  
  
Again the 'warriors' of the group point there weapons.  
  
FSM: Sorry guys had to make it happen. Okay sit down and relax! It's almost a page already and we aren't getting anywhere! Not that there's anywhere to go but you get my drift.  
  
They sit.  
  
FSM: First on the agenda, if I had one is COFFEE!! Yep this is for coffee and Farscape lovers so they both have to be in here.  
  
John jumps up and down in he's seat and the rest of the crew stare at FSM funny. A coffee table appears and coffee of all sorts also appear on the table.  
  
FSM: Have your pick. And the rest of you guys...it's yummy...it's positively addictive. but we'll worry about that later.  
  
John wastes no time. He grabs a mug fills it up and gulps it down.  
  
J: This might not be as bad  
  
FSM smiles to herself with John's comment. He hadn't said it aloud but FSM had the abilities to hear what their characters want. (A/N: Please just this once can the writer have special abilities?? I pray to all the fanfic gods from below Please please!) The rest of the crew follow on. Aeryn loves it and drinks her second cup. Jool sniffs it then takes a sip and has a smile on her face. Dargo drinks it with caution and sniffs it. As you know Luxan noses are very powerful. He likes it. Crais however doesn't touch it. (A/N: Who did I leave out, who who?? Oh wait I know) and the monster which is of course is Mike (A/N: Come on you guys haven't watched Monster Inc??) he gets a drink too then FSM makes him disappear. (A/N: He was bugging me with the one eyed thing).  
  
FSM: Chiana? Uh do you really think you should have some?  
  
Chiana: Why not?? (still jumping up and down since she first came out of the portal)  
  
FSM: Uh your just kinda real hypo, sure you can handle it?  
  
Chiana nods enthusiastically. John hands her a cup without looking at her.  
  
FSM: Okay since we got that done there's one thing I've been meaning to try.  
  
The whole crew freezes they turn to FSM.  
  
FSM: What?! I just want to *try* it out. What's wrong with that?  
  
Aeryn: Try? try?? What about I try and shoot you??  
  
FSM: Aeryn, that will not do. You really don't wanna kill me.  
  
Aeryn: Give me a reason.  
  
FSM thinks for a while. She was not ready for a come back.  
  
FSM: DAMN!...Wait got it Because you will have no coffee.  
  
Aeryn: (looks disappointed) Oh...  
  
FSM: Okay what I wanted to try was to bring Moya and Talyn here.  
  
John: ARE YOU NUTS!!  
  
FSM: No just insane. But it should be easy.  
  
Dargo: How can it be easy? Moya and Talyn will not fit in here.  
  
FSM: You underestimate me Ka Dargo. There is more to it. (She clicks her fingers)  
  
Another portal appears and in comes in a women and a young boy. And as you would have it the 'warriors' on Moya drop their cups and point their weapons a the newcomers.  
  
FSM: Hold on! Hold on! (Looks at the mugs on the floor) You guys...oh man! look what you did.  
  
They all turn to looks at the floor. What was suppose to be a lovely snow white carpet is now stained with coffee.  
  
FSM: That was good coffee! Not to mention the carpet. I've only got this room rented for a couple of arns and it's SUPPOSE TO BE RETURNED THE WAY IT WAS!!!  
  
FSM takes in a few breathes and tries to calm down.  
  
FSM: Okay (she speaks with clenched teeth) if you shot them (gesturing to the woman and child) you will have hell to pay when I get you guys back. They look confusingly at FSM.  
  
FSM: (lets out a frustrated sigh) You idiots. God I thought John was thick! You bunch are worst put together! Moya and Tayln have a seat.  
  
The woman and child take a seat.  
  
John: Wh...huh?  
  
FSM: Sit down before you give yourself a stroke. As I said easy. Moya and Talyn right in front of you.  
  
Moya: Hello John, Aeryn, Dargo, Chiana, Jool, Rygel, and Crais.  
  
Talyn: Hey! Crais, Aeryn, Rygel, Dargo, Chiana and (looks at John sternly) John.  
  
John: What's this kid got against me  
  
FSM: (turns to John) Everything.  
  
John looks at FSM confused. She refuses to answer his silent question.  
  
FSM: Okay it looks like we are all here...(does a quick head count) wait no...opps...how can I forget.  
  
The crew look at FSM again with fear written on their faces.  
  
FSM: Oh now come on! Moya and Talyn were the latest thing I did it didn't turn out awful did it now??  
  
Aeryn: Not yet  
  
FSM: (looks at Aeryn and catches her eye) okay the next person I should bring on is Zhann and Stark!!!  
  
Zhann and Stark enter from no where.  
  
FSM: Have a seat guys. Oh and some coffee. IF THERE IS ANY LEFT!! (FSM looks at the crew who turn away guilty) Oh you guys drunk it all??!! I can't even drink that fast. I mean come on I had enough packets here to feed the whole group on Farscapian Coffee Lounge for a momen at least and you guys drank it all in what 2 pages?? Okay we need the coffee anyway so here it is. And this time it has to last!!  
  
Coffee appears on the table. Zhann is still standing.  
  
FSM: Zhann sit down please.  
  
Zhann: FSM this is wrong! I'm suppose to be dead.  
  
FSM: Zhann don't stress yourself about it, sit relax.  
  
Zhann sits down eyeing FSM. Stark sits down too.  
  
FSM: Next...what do I have next?? How the hell do I know! (A/N: Come on I'm making this up on the spot!!)  
  
John: What?! (looking at Aeryn)  
  
Aeryn: Nothing  
  
John: No what is it, your looking at me funny. Talk to me  
  
.  
  
Aeryn: (rolls her eyes and looks at FSM) Did you have to make him say that line?  
  
FSM: Yep, my busy hands couldn't stop themselves. Okay we are getting so no action. We need action. Man action? I haven't written action yet, I know mushy stuff but no action...  
  
John: Uh FSM?  
  
FSM:...Maybe I can hire someone to write a bit and I expand on it or should I just give no action but then it will be completely useless...Why didn't the writer gods invest me something a little bit more powerful then angst??  
  
Dargo: FSM!  
  
  
  
FSM: Hey! No need to shout!  
  
Aeryn: You couldn't frelling hear us! I thought it was only John who talked to himself but now I'm beginning to think all humans do.  
  
John: Hold on a moment. I so do not talk to myself. Harvey is in my head!  
  
Aeryn: Oh yeah like I can forget (scastically).  
  
John: hey why is this my fault?  
  
Aeryn: Because you are the frelling human who frells up everything and never does anything right!  
  
FSM: Guys, calm down...  
  
John: I do not frell up everything! At least things I do have logic in them!!  
  
Aeryn: Logic?? That's the first I've heard. Logic!  
  
John: They have frelling logic! Unlike you Miss-Bad-Ass-PK-Shoot-At- Anything-That-Moves.  
  
Aeryn: I don't shoot at anything that moves!  
  
John: Oh really?  
  
Aeryn: Yes really!  
  
FSM: SHUT UP!!  
  
John and Aeryn shut up.  
  
FSM: Thank you! (A/N: This is harder than I thought! Damn John and Aeryn and their fights!!) Now if we get back to what we were doing...  
  
Jool: you're not a proper writer are you?  
  
FSM: Yes I am!!  
  
Jool: Well you really stink at this.  
  
FSM: (controlling anger) Okay, breathe in breathe out some of you guys have to leave.  
  
Chiana: What? NO! I'm not leaving. This coffee is to good. NO!  
  
The crew shake their heads too.  
  
FSM: (confused) Hey I thought you guys didn't want to be here?  
  
Zhann: Yes but your coffee is too addictive.  
  
FSM: (smiles) Hehehehe I knew it would work So ya staying.  
  
Lots of nods.  
  
FSM: Okay. Seeing as I have mastered the power and ability to bring the dead back, materialize so that ships can come I can do almost anything. I'm gonna be nice, you guys get one wish. One wish only. Now here are the contracts (FSM hands papers that appear out of no where) sign them and read the terms and conditions.  
  
John: You mean read them then sign.  
  
FSM: Uh..yeah that's what I meant...  
  
John: What's with the contracts??  
  
FSM: (shrugs) I felt like putting it in the fic, can't blame a girl for trying!  
  
There are several murmurs and the crew sign.  
  
FSM: Okay who first??  
  
Aeryn: Hold on! Pilot's not here.  
  
FSM: (jumps up and down and does a happy dance) I won the bet, haha, I won the bet!!  
  
The crew look at her strangely and back of just a tad.  
  
FSM: (composes herself) Uh...long story. Guessed you would be the first to notice Aeryn. Pilot is on holiday. We can check up on him later. Okay so who wants to go first??  
  
Jool: Me.  
  
Chiana: Selfish brat!  
  
FSM: Chiana no need for that behavior.  
  
Chiana looks at FSM funny so does the crew. John however clicks on.  
  
John: You can read thoughts??  
  
FSM: Yes John  
  
John: Cool!!  
  
FSM: Okay back to the point. Jool your wish??  
  
Jool: I wish...do I have to say it??  
  
FSM: Hmm...no you can just think it.  
  
John smiles slightly to himself.  
  
Jool: I wish... 


End file.
